A Smooth Depression
Let me just start by saying that things always seem darkest before the dawn. That cliche is about the only thing that is keeping my mental state together. Granted, it’s not all that bad, and I’ve been through times that were much harder, but when things start to get you down, it becomes a cycle that only seems to feed upon itself. I know other people out there that are in a sorrier state than I, but their pain somehow became a part of my pain. It’s a battle against empathy that I seem to be losing. Still, I wouldn’t remove that empathy because it’s just a part of who I am.
It’s more of a rut that I find myself in. The only problem is that the solution to this rut holds a worse state of affairs than my current situation. I really don’t want to go back to school. It’s such a pain in my ass, espically that my job, when school is finished, will have little to do with what I am learning. I do it for pride and I do it for security, because nothing in this world is certain. So, I will give it my all and pray that my all continues to be good enough.
I want to move on with my life. I’m so sullen here at home. I try to put on a face of contentment, but it feel as though everyone can see right through it. I want a certain girl to like me. I want to feel as though I’m doing something with my life, other than spinning my weels. I want to find the time and energy to finish the novel I’ve been writing. I want to get in shape. I want these things, but I am measured in my expectations that I will get them. For now, all I have is hope… hope and time… and I guess we’ll see what happens.